The Birds and Bees Can All Just Die
by ManOfChocolate
Summary: I can hear them. Every rustled blanket, every bit of clothing pulled, every kiss, every touch, every sigh and every moan. I can hear them no matter what I do, no matter where I go. Somebody please soundproof the walls.
**A/N: Crosspost from AO3 again. And now for something completely different! This was a slightly delayed, but nonetheless very fun request for yet another Anon on /utg/. The original prompt was "Flowey tries to distract himself from the lewd noises coming from Chara and Frisk's room". The prompt sounded absurdly hilarious and it's been a long while since I've tried a First-Person Perspective fic, so I thought why not try it with this one?**

 **Will Undertale story typing for chocolate more plz.**

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This cannot be happening.

Every fiber of my being protested against this timeline, this reality, this... everything. I always tell myself life has a limit on cruelty, but it's extremely insistent on proving me wrong. Kind of ironic for one who usually dishes out cruelty with true, soulless generosity.

This is most certainly one of those times.

In hindsight, I'm a real idiot. I don't often use that describe myself, since there are plenty of others much more deserving, but golly, this sure feels like one of those well-deserved moments!

I should have seen the signs, not that they were hard to miss.

The dumb human wanted Chara out of her head and I'm still potted and 'petaled', so naturally the best idea was to seek out Alphys' assistance. Naturally. And it all worked out like a charm. Naturally.

Well, actually, Frisk probably screamed her lungs out to the point that even I started feeling uncomfortable, but it worked! In just over a couple of hours of delightfully disturbing, and then just plain disturbing misery, the hacked-together machine broke down and the hack doctor revealed that it was merely part of the plan. I was skeptical and anticipated a RESET any second, but instead, I was met with two very red eyes suddenly beaming very brightly at me and a very angry hand attempting to sever me by the stem.

So Chara wasn't really all that happy to see me again.

I can understand that, family reunions can be a little abrupt, especially if you're indirectly responsible for each other's deaths. I still maintain that I was relatively innocent in all that. However, she continues to disagree and she has hands now, which tip the scales in her favor for the moment.

Now, her approach towards the kid was much different. In their many runs across the Underground, I'd seen them as friends and enemies, so even I was a little curious on how she'd behave around her. Not that I was concerned, but coming this close to a body-restoration, I'm a little antsy about potential RESETs.

Unfortunately, following her return, my predicaments would only increase in number and intensity. It's already bad enough that Stripey thinks I'm that cutesy goat kid I used to be and handles me like it too, but the sheer amount boring mediocrity is just astounding. She decided I would be lonely (hah!) in the Underground all alone, so she transferred me to a pot and brought me to the Surface with them. True, the Surface does have a lot of things I've never even dreamed about, but the fact that my mobility has been reduced to its absolute minimum is annoying.

But I digress.

You can't blame me for it, otherwise I'd be forced to just listen, and that is a fate truly worse than death.

So Chara isn't really being a stranger around Frisk, to say the least. They're inseparable, like a knife and its holster. Hah. More alarmingly though, my dear sweet no-longer-quite-as-dead sister seems to be extremely aware that the avatar of dumb living with us is not in any way a blood relative.

A first telltale sign of that had been the hugs. Now, Chara has never been a stranger to hugs and I have been on the receiving end of many, but she usually didn't lower her hands so much. Certainly not towards the waist. Even less to the butt. And I don't recall any kisses. Almost sure that there was no kissing involved. I may be a soulless flower, but I'm pretty sure I'd remember that!

Worst of all, however dumb human, formerly known as Frisk, continued to be a willing accomplice. Or just victim, I can't really tell from the perspective of a damn POT, but it did seem like she was going along with everything swimmingly. Emphasis probably on 'everything'.

And so here I was, all alone in the living room, all alone save for the owners of the bedroom just beyond the wall behind me.

"Chara..."

It's a rather thin wall.

Every single petal I have was burning crimson red. I tried closing them up as much as I could, but to no avail. I could hear all the sighs, all the gasps, all the soft pleas, name calls and moans.

I had to get out.

See, when I was still a resident of the Underground, moving around was easy! The soil was like a giant teleportation device built specifically for me. I could dive into the dirt and appear just about anywhere a flower could survive for more than a few seconds. This time though, I was locked up in solitary confinement. Fri-cking Dumb suggested moving me to a larger planter so I could mingle, to which I could not muster a proper response beyond seething contempt. Right now though? I would have been happier for some tenants, than this aural torture chamber of my own.

"Let's get you outta that..."

Escape was a high priority for me. I leaned forward as much as I possibly could and felt my roots getting untangled. They loosened up quickly, thanks to the highly malleable soil provided by my dearly beloved Asgore. I may lack the ability to love, but there was no denying the old goat's gardening abilities.

"You're so cute when you're blushing like that."

"Like a blemished tomato..." I grumbled, taking the initiative.

Looking back at it, that was not exactly the most sound idea I have ever conjured. I can't exactly put up a chart, due to missing the obviously needed limbs for that, but I'd put it somewhere between hassling River Person and trying to steal Smiley Trashbag's bones while he slept. The push freed all my little roots and propelled me through the air. While I was unsure of my destination, the increasingly loud, lewd and obnoxious voices left me with little care. It was at this point I realized there was at least one significant boon to being a flower, rather than a whiny goat.

"I could just BITE you all over..." came another series of coos and disgusting pillow banter.

Gravity was not that big of an enemy.

"REIGN THE TEETH IN FOR THE LOVE OF-"

Landing was.

My flower-body glided through the air for a good few seconds, before slamming straight against the kitchen counter. I simultaneously praised and curse the apartment for having such easy access from one room to another. The banging, strictly from the kitchen, and my ensuing brief minute of rage reduced the noises by quite a bit. However, this merely opened up a new avenue of terror.

"-should check to see if he's alright."

I gulped, strange as that may be for a flower.

If Frizzle the Bowlcut was alarmed by the noise, there was a very good chance a certain bright-eyed specter of evil was right behind her, brandishing equipment that would turn me into a fine member of a spice rack within seconds.

"She loves me, she loves me not..." I whimpered, images of death and suffering far too vivid for my mind to take lying down.

"He's fiiiine!" came the reply, though I could just about taste the underlying annoyance. "Now get back here, we're just getting started..."

A series of giggles filled my stem with bile, but at least it helped postpone my death by whatever grace period I was allowed. Chara was not exactly keen on forgiveness.

The brief interlude did bring me back to a very specific predicament though. While my flight allowed me to cover some distance from the Moaning Barrier that was their wall, I had left out a few significant calculations.

"Your kisses are so sloppy!"

Water being the most pressing.

Although the effect wasn't immediate, I quickly felt fatigue incomparable to anything else. As annoying as it was, I needed my pot. Failing that, a glass of water. I looked up and while the sink wasn't technically far away, I did not count the distance in petals. The drawers before me did suggest an easy way up, with just a little bit of effort and a lot of care.

"C-chara, n-not there!" Frisk's cry was followed by suspicious silence and long, drawn-out sighs.

A lot of effort and no care at all.

While this flower body wasn't exactly the best vessel, it did allow me some measure of shape-shifting. Most importantly, extendable vines, which proved to be far more useful than just swatting flies away. I hooked it around the first drawer and easily pulled myself up to level. A second and third followed suit, but those were significantly harder to reach. Being a flower didn't really make me heavy, but the magic I used kept sapping my energy rapidly.

"Who's been a bad girl?" They just wouldn't shut up. The whimpers and moans were getting far too intense to simply ignore.

"You? You. YOU! How can you even ask that with a straight face?" I growled, throwing a vine up to the last drawer like a lasso. Just that one more and I'd make it to the sink.

Unfortunately, that is when my luck officially ran out. To speed up the process, I not only grabbed onto the final drawer, but leaped away from the last one with the same motion. This resulted in the very sad event of the drawer opening up and propelling my all the way to the end. I was left hanging by a thread, too far to reach the counter, or the rest of them.

But I was DETERMINED.

I launched another vine lasso straight into the drawer, trying to grab hold of something and pulls myself in. This was the idea at least, however, I did not really count on just how strong my grasp could be. Rather than pull me in, it pulled everything out. Knives, forks and spoons erupted from the drawer, landing all over the, of course, tiled floor like the bells of the infinite darkness that housed all tortured souls for eternity.

I was left hanging by a thread, this time with a spike trap of my own making under me.

"-it out, it'll just be a minute."

My petals ringed and the familiar feeling of dread returned.

"-nothing, just come back and-

The horror in my heart kept growing.

"-if he's hurt?"

Hope kept me determined.

"-wrong, he's just messing-"

Lulled me into a false sense of security.

"-okay, be right back."

But shining brightly through the darkness.

As soon as the doorknob turned, I fixed my gaze at the entrance to their room, trying to deploy my best 'I-really-don't-hate-you-that-much-after-all' look.

It wasn't until the door swung open with a force that almost tore it right off the hinges, did I truly grasp the meaning of fear.

"Hello brother." Chara tilted her head, smiling and looking straight at me. "What a nice evening, isn't it?"

Her eyes were just about burning and flashing red, her smile thin as a pencil. She had a blanket loosely wrapped around her, suggesting a hasty dress-up. The chance of it falling off did not exactly fill me with DETERMINATION. When she started walking towards me, I really did consider the spike trap instead. At least that would lead to a potentially quicker RESET.

"You're being very noisy tonight." she said, even her voice carrying the wind of absolute hyperdeath, the likes of which I could not even begin to fathom. "We'll need to do something about that."

She reached out and grabbed my hard enough to experience what I can only describe as plant-choking. She poured the utensils back into their containers and slammed the drawer with enough force to cause tiny cracks all over the surface. Chara picked up my pot along the way as well and put it down before the TV.

"Now sit down..." she cooed and jammed me into the soil. There was a moment of darkness before I managed to peek out again and after a quick count, I concluded not a single petal was missing!

Chara just finished her brief channel-hopping and placed the remote on top of the set, far out of my reach.

"Enjoy the show." she said and gave me what I think Frisk told her to be a light pat, rather then several hammer blows. She walked back to their door and flashed a grin at me one more time, followed by a wink. "I do not want to have to come out here again, okay?"

While listening to humans was very low on my list of priorities, survival instinct was suitably high. I nodded and turned my attention to the TV. At least the channel seemed relatively nice and loud enough to distract from-

"And now we return to our scheduled six-hour miniseries on Proper Plant Pollination!"

That demonic little shit.


End file.
